Otters take over hasbro.com!

[Eternal Padawan]

<i>Vynsane Magazine is proud to bring you this exclusive interview from the (snicker) lead singer of ICP. He usually echews publicity but he felt it was important to get this message out there, and <s>unfortunately</s> thankfully chose our esteemed publication.</i>

<b>Vynsane Magazine </b>SO, I wish I could say what an honor it is to meet you, but that's just not true. My editor sent me over to do this interview you wanted. SO. What do you want?

<b>Joe Bruce </b>I have..I have an important...thing. I need to tell the world. ( Long awkward pause)

<b>VM </b>Okaaaaaaay. ( Long Pause) What are you coming out of the closet or something?

<b>JB </b>( Long awkward pause)

<b>VM </b>What. You ARE coming out?? You're gay?? EEuugh. Man, that is a mental image I didn't need.

<b>JB </b>I just couldn't live the lie anymore.

<b>VM </b>Man, that's almost as vile as the time I interviewed George Lucas and he insisted on showing me amateur porn of him and Linda Ronstadt. Two naked, sweaty fat people. I tell ya, there weren't enough water in my shower for like a month afterwords. Anyway. SO...erm...when did you find out your soldier marched in fields of pink daisies?

<b>JB </b>I think I've known for years. I would get a funny feeling watching Ricky Shroeder on Silver Spoons..y'know...

<b>VM </b>Whoa. Slow down pudgy. This reporter can only take so much. Not that I've ever listened to your tripe, but you have a reputation for having some very homophobic lyrics. So what's that all about? Are you like a chronic closet self loather or what?

<b>JB </b>I guess so. I've always tried to keep my stage persona separate, but lately it's really been hurting.

<b>VM </b>Well that's probably the constriction of your whitey tighties on your boyz you big fatty. Dude. You get off on Ricky Shroeder? That's sick dude. You are a sick fuckin' fatty.

<b>JB </b>It'd get really bad. I used to watch Silver Spoon marathons on Nick at Nite and sprout these full on chubbys but I couldn't do anything cause I'm so fat I couldn't reach my wang. I'd end up calling Joey over and he'd fiish me off.

<b>VM </b>Joey is that sycophant who's the other half of ICP?

<b>JB </b>Yeah. Shaggy Balls.

<b>VM </b>So he swings for the other team, too?

<b>JB </b>Nah. He did try to talk a 12 year old Downs Syndrome girl into some shit a few years ago, but he don't go for the little boys.

<b>VM </b>Just you, you sick fatty. So why come out now? What's your angle?

<b>JB </b>Well, to be honest we were hoping to attract a different audience. Sales have been short...

<b>VM </b>( starts giggling at the thought of dismal ICP record sales) Sorry. So you thought maybe gays would like to hear you rip them a new one in your substandard (giggles) music?

<b>JB </b>Well yeah.

<b>VM </b>Good luck their chubbo, but I don't think it's gonna happen. So the teenage boy fanbase wasn't cutting it anymore?

<b>JB </b>No, we had a small hardcore fan base that would come to the concerts. Sometimes I'd take one of 'em back to the hotel room...

<b>VM </b>OKAY, stop that noise. I don't need to hear about you packing underage fudge.

<b>JB </b>Oh, I could never do that. All that effort would make me pass out from exertion. I'd let them do all the work.

<b>VM </b>I bet it would fatty arbuckle. Have you ever thought about...oh I don't know...not being such a fatty mcfat fat? What, no girl groupies ever made the scene?

<b>JB </b>I've never seen a girl at our concerts, actually. Mostly young boys. A few older guys, but I think they had issues, y'know?

<b>VM </b>Well, that's the pot calling the kettle fat don't cha think?

<b>JB </b>I once saw a documentary about us where they interviewed girl fans, but I think those were like planted, because the director thought it creepy that only little boys listen to us.

<b>VM </b>So..erm...who are your influences?

<b>JB </b>I really like Barbra Striesand.

<b>VM </b>No shit?

<b>JB </b>Yeah, she's great. We performed at her nephews barmitzvah last year. It was cool. I got Oral Roberts autograph.

<b>VM </b>Really? He hangs out with Babs?

<b>JB </b>I think it's some kind of cult thing they are into together. He's a big ICP fan. He says he listens to us when he dresses in his mothers underwear and he and his wife molest their 15 year old adopted Malaysian daughter they have tied up in the basement. He says it gets him hot.

<b>VM </b>Who else?

<b>JB </b>I dig Jennifer Tilly. I won some of her soiled panties on eBay. I like to lay them on my face and inhale the...

<b>VM </b>Stop. STOP! I am going to wretch. How do you know those are her panties and not just some random incontinet fuckers?

<b>JB </b>( Long awkward pause) Ohh..I ..don't know...

<b>VM </b>Dumber than a bag of hammers, too. Any musical influences?

<b>JB </b>I really dig Jacko. Michael Jackson. I saw him at the MTV Music Awards one year. I soo wanted his ballsack slapping on my nose. It hurt I wanted it so bad. Man I was dying. I mean, I know he's not ga...

<b>VM </b>Dude. Is your.. are you digging in your ass with your finger??

<b>JB </b>Oh..uhm..maybe...

<b>VM </b>Maybe? It's up to the second knuckle. Okay this interview is over you big fat fucker.

[ninjasquirrel]

dude, ph-q J..... I mean Eternal! ICP are the shxt and you know it... however your little attempt to be funny was actually funny as crap. It was so funny I want to crap my pants!

It's too bad that John wants your ass. I was talking to Fluffy while zoning juice, and said 'John wants Eternal's ass', then looked at him and said 'right John?' and he said 'yeah.. yeah right!'

I know where you live man, and I can just as easily make sure John knows... so if you see any masked men with a zipper mouth riding his 10 speed toward your house, you'll know........

and I'm out.


THE OTTERS ARE THE MAN. THE CORPORATE MAN. THE YES MAN.


THE IRISH DOCTOR KNOWS. SEEK HIM OUT.

[Eternal Padawan]

Tell him to bring his Zoloft. Drugged out chubby turd.


The next interview is with HorseFace Penelope Cruz!

[Eternal Padawan]

As funny as that trip down memory lane was, what truly amazes me is that I had the free time to write it. Dang that was long.