VOTE BEAR IN '08!!

[anarky]

The nation needs a new direction!

Republicans are full of shit, and Democrats can only wag their tiny flaccid penises at problems.

What the country needs is a new party: The Bear Party!

Comprised entirely of bears, pandas, unfrozen cavemen, spunky mutant teenagers with useless powers, Jennifer Connelley, and other friends of bears, the Bear Party seeks to harness the innate power of our ursine friends to make everything better, and apply it to the ills of the US political system.

Stay tuned for more on the Bear Party's platform!

[anarky]

Campaign promise #1:
"Hot Chick Security Act"

This is a comprehensive bill to defend the American hot chick, and encourage hotness among non-hot chicks.

Under the first phase of the law, a nationwide vote (conducted only by straight men and lesbians) on the attractiveness of all women in the US. Women will be ranked into three distinct categories: "Fucking Hot" (those who score an average of 8 or above among the total vote), "Doable" (those who score at least an average of 4 or above), and "Fugly" (those who score below a 4 on average).

Those designated as "Fugly" will be required to wear burqas in the presence of all but their husbands. Although those already married may be grandfathered into keeping Fugly-class wives, all future marriages to Fugly women will be as punishment for minor felonies such as theft and larceny.

Those designated as "Fucking Hot" will be required to wear lace lingerie at all times in public, except when the temperature is such that this would result in frostbite. On such days, they will be allowed to wear cocktail dresses and fishnet stockings. They must also have microchip transmitters implanted in their bodies, which will alert receivers in wristwatches issued to all men so that they will know to turn their heads and gawk when Fucking Hot chicks are in the area.

Before delving into the "Doable" class, I would first like to address the almost certain question that will arise on the generosity of this ranking (4-7). This is to account for individual tastes in women that may differ from the norm, butterfaces, and fugly-sexy women.

A special Presidential Commission on Doable Chicks will be set up, consisting of the President, Vice President, David Hasselhoff, Ron Jeremy, and two polar bears. The Commission will review all those classified as Doable. Those who are deemed by the commission to be butterfaces will be issued Farrah Fawcett masks, which they will be required to wear in public at all times; as long as they do not remove the masks, they will be issued subcutaneous transmitters and follow the same lingerie rules as Fucking Hot chicks. Those who are deemed to be Fugly-Sexy will be issued transmitters, but not required to wear lingerie, as some of them may be chunky.

Those classified as Doable will fall under no special rules for the most part, unless they are lesbians, in which case they must make out with their partners upon command.

All Doable, Fugly-Sexy, Butterface, and Fucking Hot chicks will be required to register at a local strip club, where they must perform at least one striptease and/or topless pole dance each month. They must provide the date, time, and location of their performance whenever asked.

Though Republicans will certainly argue that this goes against the American dream, it will not hurt families or marriages at all. If your wife is Doable or better, yes, any man will be able to watch her dance naked. However, you will be able to bone her later, whereas the rest will not (unless your wife's just a slut). Also, this will provide a lucrative source of income from tips.

In addition, all those classifed as Doable or better must have sex once a year with another chick of approximately equal hotness. This will be aired on pay-per-view, with proceeds split between the women (and their families) and the Department of Education. Never let it be said that the Bear Party doesn't provide generously to education!

[Ran]

I would like to make a motion and ask a question for the honorable delegate from California. Firstly, in paragraph 4 of the "Hot Chick Security Act", it mandates that aforementioned "Fucking Hot" chicks wear cocktail dresses and fishnet stockings during severe winter conditions. I request that this statement be stricken and changed to read as follows:

Those designated as "Fucking Hot" will be required to wear lace lingerie at all times in public, except when the temperature is such that this would result in frostbite. On such days, they will be allowed to skin-tight spandex ski-bunny outfits.

Secondly, paragraph 6 mentions David Hasselhoff on the special Presidential Commission on Doable Chicks. Will he be drunk or sober?

[Antropov]

Will there be any action taken to prevent "Hot Chicks" from hooking up with "douche-bag-at-the-bar-with-the-collar-on-his-pink-polo-popped" guy?

[David Hasselhoff]

Secondly, paragraph 6 mentions David Hasselhoff on the special Presidential Commission on Doable Chicks. Will he be drunk or sober?

I'm never drunk... except on love, baby!

[Ran]

Secondly, paragraph 6 mentions David Hasselhoff on the special Presidential Commission on Doable Chicks. Will he be drunk or sober?

I'm never drunk... except on love, baby!

If that's the case, can you explain this?

[anarky]

I would like to make a motion and ask a question for the honorable delegate from California. Firstly, in paragraph 4 of the "Hot Chick Security Act", it mandates that aforementioned "Fucking Hot" chicks wear cocktail dresses and fishnet stockings during severe winter conditions. I request that this statement be stricken and changed to read as follows:

Those designated as "Fucking Hot" will be required to wear lace lingerie at all times in public, except when the temperature is such that this would result in frostbite. On such days, they will be allowed to skin-tight spandex ski-bunny outfits.

Duly considered, and agreed upon. This is a democracy, after all.

Secondly, paragraph 6 mentions David Hasselhoff on the special Presidential Commission on Doable Chicks. Will he be drunk or sober?

He will be drunk, of course. However, Ving Rhames will be standing behind him at all times with a shovel, to hit him upside the head if he ever develops "beer goggles." When and if this occurs, video of the resultant shovel-slap will be placed on YouTube.

Will there be any action taken to prevent "Hot Chicks" from hooking up with "douche-bag-at-the-bar-with-the-collar-on-his-pink-polo-popped" guy?

Yes, though perhaps not in the way you might think. It will be a capital crime to be a douchebag in a pink polo, which will eliminate any possibility of such douchebags hanging out at bars or popping up their collars.

[anarky]

Campaign Promise #2:
"The Bay Act"

This is an easy one. Michael Bay will be apprehended and placed in stocks, and every man, woman, and child in America will have the opportunity to kick him in the balls or hit him in the face with a heavy object. Once all Americans have performed this civic duty, he will be covered with female gorilla hormones, and tossed into a cagefull of sex-starved male gorillas. After he is buggered to death by huge simians, his corpse will be sent into the sun, so as never to plague the earth again.

[Ran]

I like this one, but I'd like to see no less than 500 fire ants placed in his trousers while he is in the stocks.

[mabudon]

Could you (since I'm a Canuck, it ain't "we") also add to the Bay Act that before any of the punishments (and before the Act is made public so he wouldn't know he was being fucked with- it'd make this next bit sweeter) he will be handed 3 treatments that he MUST use to produce 3 consecutive summer blockbusters- the properties being "My Little Pony", "Strawberry Shortcake" and one other film to be determined (perhaps "Smurfs"), and that all of the losses incurred will come directly out of his pocketbook, and he will have no way out of directing these properties to the best of his ability (he'll be informed of this after the third films tanks- then give him 2 weeks to wallow in it before the actual punishments begin)

The beauty of this is that it would also perhaps lead to an actual watchable Bay film, since none of us would have ANY expectations. The average moviegoer, of course, would avoid them like the plague, since they'd all be rated R

Also a clarification- the films MUST target the 18-35 and up demographic. They must NOT be kids films- perhaps the mantra attached could be "Hard as FUCK"

[Snigtad Flornbi]

bears r GAY!!!

[Eternal Padawan]

Is Snigtad trying to imply that the Bear Party supports same sex marriages? Because he's been wanting to marry his daddy for years now and his dad would have to divorce his grandmother first...