Negative Boy was right

[anarky]

Oprah Winfrey is a fucking cow. No, that's an insult to cows. She's a fucking cow pie.

I really didn't care one way or the other about her. But she had a show today that was billed as "Joan Jett, Stevie Nicks, Pat Benatar, and Salt n Pepa."

Stevie starts out with "Landslide." (Everyone loves you, Stevie, but, fuck, "Landslide" again?) A duet with Sheryl Crow. Not bad. Then Oprah interviews Stevie. She's getting basic facts wrong. Dumbass, anyone who knows their rock history knows that Stevie did not leave Fleetwood Mac in 1981. She did release solo albums, but I've got a stack of Fleetwood Mac albums from the 80s with her on the cover and her vocals on several big hits that seem to indicate she was still a member for most of the rest of the 80s. Those albums are readily available. Do some fucking research, you fat fuck! That's the second thing they tell you in Journalism 101, after "keep a pencil on your person at all times."

Then Joan Jett comes out. No, wait. Joan Jett and fucking Miley Cyrus come out, and Joan sings backup on a shitty medley of her own songs while that fucking whelp sings lead. Really. No shit. I taped this so my daughter could see her favorite rock star, who's playing second fiddle to the sort of prefab shit I try to keep her from being exposed to. (I lied and told her it was "some girl who won a contest." At some point she will ask to hear that sort of shit. I do not want that point to be today.) Oprah asks two generic-as-fuck questions of Joan, then interviews Miley.

(On an aside, Miley claims Joan Jett is one of her heroes, even though she probably hadn't heard of her before this morning. She claims she covered "I Love Rock 'n' Roll" on her first album. Because there's nothing creepy as fuck about a 9-year-old or whatever pre-pubescent age she was at the time recording a song about picking up a 17-year-old in a bar for anonymous sex and putting it on an album no one over the age of 7 will ever listen to. Right?)

Next is Salt 'n' Pepa. It seems they're singing "Push It." On the off chance someone might ask questions about the content, I fast forward through the whole thing. (Hip hop singers don't usually age well. No loss.)

Then it's Pat Benatar's turn. She's doing a good version of "Love Is a Battlefield" (the only song so far with a new arrangement, which works, because all these ladies are in their 50s or 60s now, and Pat doesn't pull off the "I'm old, but fuck you, I'm going to rock" look as well as Joan does). Then Avril Lavigne strolls out after a verse, and Pat's singing backup. Really? Avril Lavigne? How many gutters did you have to dig through before you found her, facedown, drunk, and turning tricks for stale crusts of bread? Why didn't you have Debbie Gibson on there, who hasn't been washed up much longer? Christ.

I fast forward past the "interview." After the next commercial, Sister Sledge is there, singing "We Are Family." Sounds lip-synced. I'm fast forwarding through it, and Oprah's up there singing with them. I realize it's close to the end of the hour, because these five short musical performances were so heavily padded with vapid excuses for interviews.

So, yeah, Oprah. I didn't give a shit before, and figured you probably had some redeeming factors. But now I hate you. There are a lot of things and people I don't like, but few that I hate. I don't even hate the Clone Wars cartoon. The only reason I'm not saying you're up there with Hitler on my shit list is because I'm not stupid enough to think anyone belongs in a class with Hitler, except maybe Stalin and Pol Pot a few other genocidal assholes like that. But, hey, fuck it, because I'm sure you've killed six million people by rotting their brains with your stupidity, right?

[Negative Boy]

You bet your ass I was right. Fuck that Oprah bitch. I mean, I've been saying that for years, but this final season of hers she's really just been phoning the entire fucking year in.

Oh, and was Avril walking funny? Because I saw her in an airport lounge a couple weeks ago and fucked the shit out of her. I'm not bragging, just a statement of fact. I took her in the men's washroom and completely wrecked her asshole, then made her suck her own shit off my dick. For laughs, I told her to say the Declaration of Independence while she was gargling my junk, but that bitch is Canadian and didn't know it. Then I dropped three singles on the floor for her to buy some aspirin out of that machine by the door. She wanted money for the bar, but fuck that. Airport's charge like $15 for a scotch and soda. She wasn't worth that.

[Diabolical]

Stop insulting cow pies.

[vynsane]

(On an aside, Miley claims Joan Jett is one of her heroes, even though she probably hadn't heard of her before this morning[...])

did she call her 'JoAnn Jett' or something? i thought about the avril lavigne gaffe about david bowie (bao-wie) even before her name came up in this post!