Joan Jett makes everything better!!

[anarky]

I have discovered another eternal truth about the universe:

"There is nothing, nor has there ever been, anything which cannot be improved upon by the presence of Joan Jett."

She is the original riot grrrrrl. And she could still out-rock anyone out there. (Except for Elvis. She respects Elvis.)

How cool is Joan Jett?

Last night, I saw a commercial that showed her performing "Bad Reputation." She's so fucking cool, it made the subject matter look cool. And the commercial was for one of those motorcycle shows (West Coast Choppers?). I immediately thought, "God damn! She makes something as fucktarded as West Coast Choppers look fucking cool!"

And I couldn't help but notice that, despite the fact she has to be pushing 50, I would still totally nail her to the fucking wall. Partly because, well, she'd fucking kick my ass if I didn't.

Hell, she covered the theme song from the fucking Mary Tyler Moore Show--which had such an incredibly pussy title of "Love Is All Around"--and turned it into a punk song that kicked more ass than the entire roster of the WWE.

She recorded a song once about picking up an underaged guy in some kind of restaurant and diner, then fucking his brains out without even finding out his name. Was there an uproar? No. Hell, the song ("I Love Rock & Roll") hit #1 and stayed there for seven fucking weeks! And it's still played during sporting events.

Beavis and Butt-Head once commented that the video for "Do You Want to Touch Me? (Oh Yeah!)" was the coolest video ever. They were right. The sight of a younger Joan Jett in a black bikini yelling at you to touch her is pretty fucking hot. Never mind that an anorexic Ethiopian boy has bigger bosoms. If you didn't think she was hot, she'd reach right out of the screen and kick your ass.

True story: I saw Joan Jett open for Def Leppard about eight years ago, in the sleepy little town of Salem, VA. I was there because A) Def Leppard kicks ass, and B) Joan Jett kicks at least 73 times as much ass. Most people who went knew little about Ms Jett. Hell, they didn't realize Def Leppard had released two majorly asskicking albums since Adrenalize back in '91 (or thereabouts). These were the onetime mullet-people who had been so popular in smalltown America in the late '80s. They recalled Def Leppard as being safe for the kids. And the only thing they recalled about Joan Jett was "I Love Rock & Roll." (Yeah, they were apparently fucktarded and it didn't click with them that the lyrics of that song could imply the singer was a little less kid-friendly overall.)

So the place was full of kids.

At the beginning of the show, Joan Jett ran out on the stage. She was clad in skintight red leather, and totally bald. No joke: aside from the lack of the antenna and creepy alien weirdness, she could've passed for Aurra Sing with a guitar instead of a rifle. The first words out of her mouth were, "I don't give a FUCK 'bout my bad reputation!"

I've never seen so many jaws drop. Dozens of hands went to cover the ears of the children. I looked at the buddy I'd gone to the concert with (now a Lutheran pastor, oddly enough), and we both said, "Fuck yeah!!" This was the sort of show I wanted to see.

By the time she got to "Fetish," with the immortal line, "I get off having rough sex," I think some of the parents had actually died of heart attacks.

But how does she make everything better? Here's one example. Y'know how the SW prequels were kinda subpar, but we forgave them in the hopes that ROTS would tie everything together, and it kinda sorta didn't? Well, imagine ROTS, exactly the same as it was released, only "I Hate Myself For Loving You" is blasting during the Mustafar battle. It now becomes the greatest movie of all time. Dispute me, and Joan Jett will fucking kick your ass.

• Fun facts about Joan Jett:
• Joan Jett once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. But she gave him the best fuck of his life first.
• Joan Jett has the ability to turn straight women gay and gay men straight. Sometimes, if it suits her purposes, she can even turn straight men gay and gay women straight.
• Trent Reznor is rumored to have written "Closer" based on the taunts that Joan Jett hurled at him while fucking him and kicking his ass.
• Combine the number of women that all of us here have ever been with. Double that. No, triple. That's still not even close to the number of women Joan Jett has been with.
• As for the number of men that she's been with, well, the entire supercomputing power of NORAD was once put to use to calculate this figure. After seven days, the computer reportedly said, "Fuck it. I give up."
• The Mongol hordes are rumored to have been inspired to invade the rest of the known world when a tape of "Bad Reputation" fell into a wormhole and wound up in Genghis Khan's hands.
• Joan Jett is singlehandedly responsible for the fall of communism in the Soviet Union.
• A porno producer once attempted to make a video starring Joan Jett. The sex was so damned hot, it melted the camera. This annoyed Joan, so she kicked the cameraman's ass all the way to Toledo.
• The musical stylings of Joan Jett have been known to make the Amish mosh.
• Joan Jett once visited the White House, put on a strap-on, beat the shit out of Hillary, then banged her so hard that she didn't even notice Bill was getting a hummer from Monica not three feet away. (She then beat the shit out of Bill and Monica, then fucked them for a few hours.)
• Joan Jett has the ability to travel through time to beat up and fuck people. How, you ask? Simple. In the year 4912, scientists finally perfected time travel. The first thing they wanted to do was bring Joan Jett to their time so they could fuck her. She was a bit pissed off because it interrupted her beating the shit out of Lita Ford, so she kicked their asses so hard they couldn't ever walk again, gave them the incredible fucks they'd wanted, and stole their fucking time machine.
• Because of her penchant for sex and violence, Joan has been arrested on abuse charges a few times. But she's fucked the hell out of the judge, jury, and arresting officer on each occasion, and her accusers were thrown into jail. In all but one of these cases, the accuser begged for her to fuck them one last time before they were locked away from the world.
• Joan Jett taught Rachael Ray to cook. She fucked her, beat her up and said, "Bitch, make me some good food or I'll kick your ass again." This cycle continued for several days until Rachael learned to cook worth a shit.

[vynsane]

i heard she was the inspiration for boba fett, hence the rhyming last name. when he was cool, she was happy, but since the prequels have made him not cool she's showed up a lucas' door every day for the past three years and kicked his ass. and hasn't fucked him. not even once.

[Batman]

Superman told me that the lovely Ms Jett once beat an elephant... into submission. However, she did not have her way with the elephant afterward. She is not into bestiality, so I hear.

[Ran]

VH-1 Classic has a show called "Classic/Current" where they play an old video, then an new video by a group. Joan Jett came out with a new album last year, so they played "Reputation" followed by her new song. She's hotter now than when she was in the 80s. (To me, Lita Ford was the hottest chick with a guitar back then). The song isn't bad and Carmen Electra is in the video. Supposedly, the video caused a rumor that Ms. Electra & Ms. Jett are bumpin' clams.

[anarky]

Joan must've been part of the same genetic experiment that produced Stevie Nicks. Both will fuck anything on two legs, and they're the only two women to not only keep their looks as they age, but get hotter.

Plus, they both had their biggest hit back in the 80s with songs about banging 17 year old guys. (Stevie's was "Edge of Seventeen.")

Coincidence? I think not.

You ever notice that they can get away with that, but when guys try the same thing, it sounds twisted and/or stupid? KISS had great-sounding songs with "Christine Sixteen" and "Goin' Blind" (seriously--tell me Gene and Paul aren't pedophiles, and keep a straight face. I dare ya!), but the lyrics are creepy and dorky. And Winger had the incredibly lame "Seventeen."

It's because Joan Jett secretly rules the world. And she is secretly gay-married to Stevie Nicks. She'll fuck anyone for a laugh, but Stevie is the only one she loves.

[Diabolical]

If Joan Jett is so cool, then why is Guitar Hero 2 (sans Jett) so much better than Guitar Hero 1 (with Jett)?

[vynsane]

If Joan Jett is so cool, then why is Guitar Hero 2 (sans Jett) so much better than Guitar Hero 1 (with Jett)?

a good question. i googled it and came up with this information:

The reason why Joan Jett isn't in Guitar Hero 2 is as simple as it is complex: She IS Guitar Hero 2. Scientists working on mapping the brain chose Joan Jett as their primary subject, because the pursuit of science at this point is to create a clone army of Joan Jetts so that every human being on Earth can have their very own Joan Jett to kick their ass and fuck them.

The first phase of development of the Jett clones was to have a digital map of her brain - face it, a clone of Joan Jett may be able to fuck, but a clone of Joan Jett with her brain patterns will be a better lay any day of the week, and also will be able to kick your ass better.

To off-set the cost of this undertaking (and because Jett thought it would be pretty fuckin' kinky,) the digital brain map of Joan Jett was then merchandised and Activision was one of the first buyers. They actually wrote the entire game around Joan Jett's brain patterns, and thus produced a far superior product to the first incarnation.

Knowing that she already IS the game, Joan Jett felt it unnecessary to appear in the sequel. Scientists also postulated that it could be extraordinarily dangerous for her to be IN the game as well as BE the game, either creating a rupture in the Space/Time Continuum, or at least your pants.

so there you have it.

[anarky]

I did not know Joan had a new album until Rogue II mentioned it. (Please don't kick my ass too hard, Ms Jett.) So I did some research.

It turns out the first song is an anti-Bush song, and the second is a pro-bush song. First one against the Iraq war, second one about how great lesbian sex is.

Is that not the coolest damned one-two opening punch in pop music history?

• Three more fun facts I also came up with:
• Joan Jett is the only woman to ever withstand Chuck Norris' orgasm without suffering permanent amnesia. Chuck was so astounded by this the first time that it occurred, he decided that he was clearly dealing with a superhuman pussy, so he would let Joan kick his ass any time she wanted, provided he got a lay out of it. (Joan Jett could never kick his ass in a fair fight. Even she ain't that good.) Joan Jett also made Chuck Norris swear to end her life with a roundhouse kick to the face if she ever used her abilities for anything other than the pursuits of rocking, fucking, and kicking ass.
• The first time Joan Jett saw American Pie, she was pissed. Allyson Hannigan had stolen her trademark "Say my name, bitch!" line, and it was obvious she'd heard it while taking twelve inches of strap-on from Jett. So she royally kicked Allyson's ass, then had a fiery-hot lesbian lickfest with her, Mena, Shannon, and, uh, the blonde chick.
• The chances of any of us actually meeting Jennifer Connelly, Rachael Ray, or the chick from Click are ten million to one. The chances of Jett meeting them are a moot point. She's already fucked them all.

[Eternal Padawan]

i heard she was the inspiration for boba fett, hence the rhyming last name. when he was cool, she was happy, but since the prequels have made him not cool she's showed up a lucas' door every day for the past three years and kicked his ass. and hasn't fucked him. not even once.

Not only did she NOT fuck him, she sicced the portly Linda Ronstadt on him via time machine and pestered him with marriage for over a decade.


Joan inadvertantly stooped WWII by challenging GOD to a fuck off in Japan in the mid 1940's (via her time machine). God's resulting orgasms in Hiroshima and Nagasaki devastated the Nippon islands. Later the CIA covered the whole thing up by feeding the media the "H-Bomb" story. Joan was so pissed at the CIA, she let the Japanese have a patent she had tinkered with for about ten minutes to make her music sound more crisp and clear, thus was born the CD.

[Snigtad Flornbi]

Whatis the big deale, my uncle Rodger lieks her but she onely had the one good song from back in the 60s, 'What if god was On The Bus'?

[vynsane]

sniginns may have inexplicably and inadvertently stumbled upon something: joan osbourne may in fact be the earth-2, bizarro, or opposite (a la positive/negative boy) of joan jett.

if they were to fuck, it could either bring about world peace, or possibly the end of the human race.

[anarky]

Regardless of what it would bring about, I would love to be in the viewing audience.

:mabs:

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

If she were to be cloned, how many of them would be named Boba Jett?

[anarky]

JJL, we will pretend you didn't say that, and we will never speak of this again.

Here's a fact: Early attempts to clone Joan Jett were unsuccessful, and resulted in only two viable embryos. However, it soon became clear that Joan's traits were split between the two.

One, who called herself Pink, had the attitude and the haircut, but could not wail on guitar.

The other had mad guitar skills, but not the attitude to match. She turned to the blues, and took the more mundane name Shannon Curfman.

Despite rumors to the contrary, the head of the project confirmed in 2004 that there was not a third embryo:

Christina Aguilera is not a third imperfect clone of Joan Jett, gifted with her sexual prowess. She's just a whore.

[anarky]

Want proof?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=yVlcAJFTPRo

I'm not even sure that a dancing bear chugging beer and pimp-slapping Chelsea Clinton could make that video better.

Well, yeah it could. But then it'd be so fucking cool as to cause the collapse of the entire universe.

Even Joan wouldn't want that. No universe means no fucking and no kicking ass. That would make her sad.