The Amazing Kim Jong Il!!!

[Rollo Tomassi]

If you hadn't heard, the leader of North Korea is a pretty spectacular guy. Or at least, thats what we're told by the North Korean Media. And why would they lie?

When you hear an amazing fact about Kim Jong Il, just post it here!!




Kim Jong Il is in excellent health. He runs a three minute mile every morning and then plays basketball singlehandedly against the Clones of the US Dream Team basketball team. North Korea perfected human cloning in the early 70s. It goes without saying that Kim Jong Il defeats the Cloned Dream Team every morning, obviously.

Last week, Kim Jong Il survived a fall from an eight story building without a scratch. Did we say fall? We mean He jumped. On purpose. Because he is like a cat and would never clumsily fall out of a window.

[anarky]

Kim Jong Il once walked across the United States in one night. No piss breaks, no food, no water. North Carolina to SanDiego. One night.

Kim Jong Il once lassoed the moon for his mother on Mother's Day.

Once Kim Jong Il had a hankering for French Toast, so he had 100 Hot French Maids flown over on the Concorde. Fucked every last one of them to work up an appetite, then had them make him the toast and take turns blowing him while he enjoyed breakfast.

Kim Jong Il was once stranded on an island 2000 miles from civilization with 32 women. He impregnated them all and then swam to the nearest doctors office so he could help them deliver the babies safely.

Kim Jong Il invented the semi -truck.

Kim Jong Il invented the flying car. He declared the world wasn't ready and destroyed it along with the blueprints.

Ray Nagin wasn't convinced there should be a Mardi Gras this past year. Kim Jong Il called him up and promised him a good time would be had by all. He even brought a semi truck packed full of topless girls.

When doing the voice of the character Ned in the videogame GUN, Kim Jong Il demanded to be shot by an arrow, a rifle, and hit with an axe to make sure everything sounded authentic.

Kim Jong Il appeared on an episode of Celebrity Jeopardy. He won so much money for his charity, that organization no longer asks for donations.

Kim Jong Il would never steal facts about his life from Kris Kristofferson, because they're all true.

[anarky]

Kim Jong Il invented the automobile. Just last week, in fact. What, you think Henry Ford invented it over a hundred years ago? That's American propaganda! Weak-willed Americans can't invent anything. They simply used the time machine to come back from the future to give one to Henry Ford so it would look like he'd invented it and change the timestream. By the way, they didn't make their own time machine. Kim Jong Il invented it two years from now and let the Americans have it because they were so pathetic.

[anarky]

Kim Jong Il likes to put on a wig and appear in blockbuster movies using the name "Megan Fox." Admit it, you have masturbated while thinking of Kim Jong Il!

[Rollo Tomassi]

Kim Jong Il is happy to announce another North Korean schoolchild has broken a baseball record set by the stupid American Major League Professional ballplayers. Which brings the number of schoolchildren breaking records to ALL OF THEM. And the record being broke is ALL OF THEM. As a result, Kim Jong Il is proud to announce that march 22nd is the new North Korean holiday Baseball Day! It celebrates the life of famed North Korean Abner Doubleday who famously invented Baseball in North Korea in the 1860s. before he was brutally kidnapped by vicious westerners and forced to tell them the secrets of Baseball and then tell evil lies about how it's "America's pasttime."

[Rollo Tomassi]

Kim Jong Il once told an amusing anecdote from his youth about going to the store for his mother to get a carton of milk, a loaf of bread, and a stick o' buttah. This story so greatly inspired the North Koreans, they insisted he share it with the world. So Kim Jong Il created the Children's Television Workshop to spread the benevolent word of Communism to the heathen West. His Show "Sesame Street" is adored by children for decades. Se Same (pronounced Seh Sa-may) is North Korean for "Divine Enlightened Wonder of Discovery" The show was so successful, he had famous North Korean Mister Rogers do a similar show for many decades.

[Ran]

Kim Jong Il is the world's greatest badminton player. After playing 4 matches, none of his opponents were able to score a point against him. In his fifth match, his opponent nearly scored one point, but the match official called a foul on him. Kim Jong Il retired after that match as there obviously wasn't anyone in the world that could provide him any competition.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Kim Jong Il stands an imposing 6'8" tall and his bodyfat percentage is an amazing .086%. He has 20/20 vision.

Kim Jong Il does this amazing party trick where he dials up a celphone on one side of the room, and then can sprint the 120 ft across the room to pick up the celphone he just called before it starts ringing. In effect, he is faster than the instantaneous satellite relay the phone signals bounce off of.

Kim Jong Il is proud that his culinary student, Wolfgang Puck has made something of himself in the world. Wolfgang calls him several times a week to brainstorm new ideas, and Kim Jong Il rattles off a few hundred ideas off the top of his head.

[Diabolical]

Albert Pujols called Kim Jong Il as pussy.
King Jong Il admitted it was true, then cried for three days like a bitch.

[anarky]

Don't dare insult Dear Leader that way!

[Diabolical]

I didn't.
I insulted King Jong Il.

I answer only to Pujols!
(He punches homeruns!)

[Rollo Tomassi]

Kim Jong Il invented dogtails. He was surrounded by dogs and realized there was no way to tell if they were happy just by looking at their stupid blank american western looking faces,and deduced there should be an appendage near their butts that would convey happiness. So he had a team of North Korean geneticists devise..did we say had? We mean Led. He LED a team...consisting solely of himself...devise tails for dgs. Then he took the genetically engineered dogs and put them in the time machine that went back to the beginning of time so they could propogate.

[anarky]

Playboy and Playgirl both publish North Korean editions.

Kim Jong Il is always the centerfold in both publications.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Once Kim Jong Il had a hankering for French Toast, so he had 100 Hot French Maids flown over on the Concorde. Fucked every last one of them to work up an appetite, then had them make him the toast and take turns blowing him while he enjoyed breakfast.

Just for the record, it's called North Korean Toast. And they're North Korean Maids, who happen to be studying abroad in France. The apart about the Concorde is true though. Although the rest of them were decommissioned for being unsafe, Kim Jong Il fixed the problem (which was incredibly simple for North Korean engineers) and now has the entire fleet at his personal disposal. Kim Jong Il often invites regular North Korean citizens (everybody has a pilots license in North Korea) to race him around the world in Concorde races.

[Ran]

Playboy and Playgirl both publish North Korean editions.

Kim Jong Il is always the centerfold in both publications.

He personally hides the rabbit on each cover. The rabbit, of course, is Kim Jong Il wearing bunny ears.