Happy birthday to two great Americans!

[Ben Reilly]

Happy birthday, Abraham Lincoln, father of the Republican Party. You wouldn't put up with these pinkos in office. You'd shoot them all. That's how you roll!

And happy belated birthday to Sarah Palin, 45 years young and just as hot as she was when she was 13. The future of the Party. Don't let these bastards get you down! When your president in 2012, we'll all be happy. Except the stupid liberals, but they're never happy. Studies have proven it.

[Abraham Lincoln]

Thank you, Mr. Reilly.

Yes, ten score years ago I was born in that log cabin and lived a fruitful life before being shot. It took the authorities twelve days to catch a man with a broken leg who limped out of Ford's theater. To this day I wonder what took so long; it's not like he was suffering from kidney failure and hiding in the mountains of Pakistan.