The Amazing Kim Jong Il!!!

[anarky]

The Japanese earthquake was the result of a bet between Kim Jong Il and Japanese Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama, over who could make the most pancakes with one hand while playing tennis against one of the Williams sisters with the other. At the end of the day, Yukio had not only made a disappointing twelve pancakes, but lost forty consecutive matches against Serena Williams. Kim, on the other hand, not only beat Venus Williams so badly that she retired from the sport, but he orally pleased her to orgasm seventy times with his enormous tongue while playing and made enough pancakes to feed the entire population of North Korea for three years. However, Yukio refused to give up the Hello Kitty trapper keeper that was at stake, stating that Kim distracted Venus with his cunnilingus and technically forfeit. Kim responded by taking a boat to a spot off the eastern shore of Japan and punching the water repeatedly, causing the earth itself to shake. Because no one fucks with the Dear Leader. No one. Especially with Hello Kitty memorabilia on the line.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Kim Jong Il is pleased to announce that they have successfully created an invisible Godzilla monster and released it into the waters of the Pacific yesterday. Although they've been able to create Godzillas for several decades and perfected invisibility in the 70's, this was the first time they've been able to combine the two. North Korea has not been this esctatic since they turned a giant invisible King Kong loose in New York City nearly a decade ago.

[Ran]

While it appears Kim Jong Il has died, the new leader isn't really his son. Instead, it is a clone of Kim Jong Il, himself, but 1/8th the original size.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Kim Jong Il is not dead, but rather has taken a trip to the afterlife so that he may get money back from Elvis Presley whom he once saw in concert. Now that it's been established that Kim Jong Il is a better singer than Elvis, he feels that that concert shall have no longer taken place and therefore he is rightfully owed a refund for the price of the ticket.

[vynsane]

Supreme Leader Kim Jong Il only decided to let nature take its course on his body to begin the North Korean invasion of Heaven in earnest. the N. Korean army had already made efforts during the 1950s but only now, with Il's leadership, will the plan come to fruition.

[anarky]

Kim Jong Il was just sad that his father was president for eternity, and he was only filling in. So he figured, if he was a fill-in, why not move on and let someone else do the job without the title?

[Rollo Tomassi]

Please disregard that previous statement from the ignorant Westerner. The glorious Dear Leader was never sad, but ebullient and charismatically joyous and vigorous in all things.

He has gone to the afterlife at the personal invitation of the Western Deity for a game of golf. Which Dear Leader won handily and so reaped the deserved praise of God.

He is expected to return on Wednesday. Unless he CHOOSES to stay. In that case, it is his choice, and his return is unknowable to anyone except Glorious Leader.

[anarky]

You misunderstand. He was indeed sad, but only a little because, despite being a far more awesome ruler than his father ever dreamed of being, he could never actually be President. So he chose to pass on so as to impress the folks in the afterlife with his prowess in all things, and to smack his father upside the head for that rule.

[Ran]

Here is North Korea's story of what happened when he died.

PYONGYANG, North Korea (AP) — North Korea says a fierce snowstorm paused and the sky began glowing red above sacred Mount Paektu just minutes before leader Kim Jong Il's death.

State media say the ice on volcanic Lake Chon at the mountain in the far north cracked with a load roar.

And in the city of Hamhung, a Manchurian crane circled a statue of Kim's father, late President Kim Il Sung, before alighting on a tree, its head drooping before it took off toward Pyongyang.

State media say Kim died Saturday morning at age 69. His death was announced two days later.

Similar myths and legends also surround Kim Jong Il's birth on Mount Paektu. Official biographies say he was born on Paektu and that a double rainbow filled the skies when he was born.

[Geoff Peterson]

PYONGYANG, North Korea (AP) - Official biographies say he was born on Paektu and that a double rainbow filled the skies when he was born.

Does a double rainbow mean he was twice as gay?
That makes sense, seeing as how he was really a very angry lesbian.

[vynsane]

so THAT'S what that song was about...