THE RULE OF DOUCHE!!

[Zaphod]

OKAY, CRETINS!! I ALLOWED YOU ONE DAY TO SUFFER YOUR INSUFFERABLE HANGOVERS!!

NOW THE RULE OF DOUCHE IS AT HAND!!

DECLARATION THE FIRST OF DOUCHE:

EVERYONE IS HENCEFORTH IMMEDIATELY TO BE RESTRICTED TO THE ATKINS DIET!! THOUGH YOU MAY AT FIRST THINK THAT THIS IS IN YOUR BEST INTERESTS, AS YOU WILL LOSE WEIGHT, BEAR IN MIND THE SIDE EFFECTS!! ALL OF YOU WILL HAVE SEVERE CONSTIPATION, MUCH LIKE HANK HILL ON THAT SHOW WHICH HAS ONLY BEEN RUNNING THE LAST FIVE YEARS THROUGH MY DOUCHEY PLANS!!

AND A GOOD PORTION OF YOU WILL SUFFER COLON INFECTIONS, AND MAY EVEN REQUIRE SURGERY AND A LIFETIME OF CARRYING A COLOSTOMY BAG!! SO AM I A NICE GUY LOOKING OUT FOR YOUR HEALTH, OR A REAL DOUCHE!!

THIS BE THE WORD OF DOUCHE!!

SO QUEEFS DOUCHE!!

ALL HAIL DOUCHE!! O YES!!

[Rob Liefeld]

YOU LIE!!

YOU ARE NOT DOCTOR DOUCHE!! THE ONLY PUSSY YOU EVER DOUCHED WAS YOUR MOM'S WHEN YOU WERE BORN!!

SO QUEEFS--I mean, should I look down and say it?

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

I guess Zaphod was also watching King of the Hill on adult swim last night.

[Zaphod]

DECLARATION THE SECOND OF DOUCHE:

ALL CELL PHONES WILL BE IMMEDIATELY REPLACED WITH "SMELL PHONES"!! WHAT IS A SMELL PHONE, YOU ASK!! SIMPLE!! IT LOOKS AND WORKS JUST LIKE YOUR CURRENT CELL PHONE!! EXCEPT WHEN I CUT THE CHEESE!! THEN, MILLIONS OF RANDOM PEOPLE ACROSS THE WORLD EACH RECEIVE A TEXT MESSAGE THAT LOOKS LIKE IT'S FROM ONE OF THEIR CONTACTS!! SO YOU COULD SAY, "HEY, PEACHES TEXTED ME!! I HAVE TO READ THIS NOW!!" AND WHEN THE MESSAGE IS OPENED, THE FULL BRUNT OF MY ASSGAS IS BLOWN INTO YOUR FACE!!

THIS BE THE WORD OF DOUCHE!!

SO QUEEFS DOUCHE!!

ALL HAIL DOUCHE!! O YES!!

[The Phantom ManAss]

Smell phones have been in development by ManAss, Inc for over a decade now. I will be contacting my lawyers, Rosenfart, Dinkleberman, Sphinctercranz, and Lipshitz, attorneys ASS law! When they're done with your ass, you'll wish you were merely Warner Bros. in a legal battle over the rights to distribute a comic adaptation fanboy-wank-fest movie. The brown side of the farts is STRONG with them!

[Zaphod]

DECLARATION THE THIRD OF DOUCHE:

CREED SHALL RECORD THE NEW NATIONAL ANTHEM OF THE RENAMED UNITED NATIONS OF DOUCHERY!! YOU WILL ALL STAND AT ATTENTION WHEN CREED PLAYS, BECAUSE DISSENT AGAINST THE OFFICIAL ANTHEM SINGERS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!! ANY BAD WORDS REGARDING CREED SHALL RESULT IN TESTICLE REDUCTION SURGERY FOLLOWED BY A MANDATORY NUDE SPREAD IN PLAYGIRL WHERE EVERYONE WILL LAUGH AT YOUR NOW INFINITESIMALLY SMALL NUTS!!

I'M LOOKING IN YOUR DIRECTION, CARL!!

THIS BE THE WORD OF DOUCHE!!

SO QUEEFS DOUCHE!!

ALL HAIL DOUCHE!! O YES!!

[Zaphod]

DECLARATION THE FOURTH OF DOUCHE:

ALL COPIES OF THE BIBLE SHALL HENCEFORTH CONTAIN A POWERFUL GENERATOR, WHICH SUPPLIES JUST ENOUGH POWER TO MAKE ONE WET THEMSELVES!! GIVEN HOW OFTEN LEGAL PROCEEDINGS INVOLVE SWEARING UPON THE BIBLE, THERE WILL BE LOTS OF PEOPLE WITH WET PANTS!!

THIS BE THE WORD OF DOUCHE!!

SO QUEEFS DOUCHE!!

ALL HAIL DOUCHE!! O YES!!

[Doctor Douche]

THIS KID HAD SOME GOOD IDEAS!!

I HEREBY ENACT ALL OF HIS PROCLAMATIONS, TAKING FULL CREDIT FOR THEM MYSELF!!!

SO QUEEFS DOUCHE!!!!!!!!